Christian Educators' Journal

The body, broken

by Sophie Blanc

I heard something snap.  As surely as if my arm or leg had broken.  It snapped, I snapped.  I broke in two, just like a crisp twig.  And now I am two, never again to be the same.  Will I ever be able to relate to others in the same way, have the same hope, the same enthusiasm? Will my passion come back? Will I ever be rid of the uncontrollable anger at injustices done by others, at people’s cruelty, at people’s careless words?

I heard the call to serve, the call to pull together, to build a church, to build a community, to love God and love other people.  But a community is made up of people.  And every person is a mish mash of sin and hurt. I gave and gave and then gave some more.  I struggled and forgave over and over again.  I worked.  I worked hard and when they asked me to work harder, I did, even though it cost me too much.  Even when it seemed that no one else worked alongside me.  Even when my family paid the price of time and energy I should have given to them.  I served even when I thought I couldn’t do any more because, after all, you respond when your pastor asks you to right?  In a crisis everyone pitches in and does what they can…don’t they? 

And now I’m broken and no one seems to see or even care.  They broke me.  Or so it seems.  I know in my head that I broke myself because I didn’t say no, but it still feels like my church, my friends, broke me, that they stomped on me and snapped me in two.

To whom can I tell the secrets of my heart without seeming melodramatic and without wondering whether I am exaggerating?  On good days I feel fine.  And then I hear others talking, I hear their passion, their enthusiasm, their hope and I know that I’m not fine, that I don’t want to confide in them in case I break them or in case they break me.  Again.

I know that Jesus is the only one who sees, who understands.  I hide myself away with him and wait to be healed, wait until he makes me whole again and I can trust myself to be around others and not hurt them with my emotions.  But I do wonder, will I ever be me again? 

your comments

joshu909598
Apr 02 2010
08:57 AM

I’ve been there, too as you may or may not know. One of the keys I found is not to hide. To look for the other opportunities God is placing in your path…unrelated to those people who hurt you. Ministry that comes to you “out of the blue.” The pain is there for a long time, but eventually it turns to sadness if you keep it from turning to bitterness. Hang in there! God is good – People aren’t – and so God is the salve for all wounds. You’re in my prayers!