Slouching Toward Bedlam

So Little Time for So Many Books: Or Hey Jan, Don’t Quit Your Day Job

For this column, we are going to take a break from the Bedlam gang and hear some books that columnist Jan Kaarsvlam is writing and is sure will influence your teaching. He would like to recommend that you buy and read copies of these books as soon as possible, as he isn’t sure he will have enough room in his closet to store them all.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Common Core, Cumin Core, Korman Core: Spicing Up Your Standards with Humor. Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

This groundbreaking volume takes the common core to a whole new level—two whole new levels in fact. Kaarsvlam uses Christian principles to weave together educational theory, Mexican fusion cooking, and the comedy stylings of Harvey Korman. No classroom should be without it. (Note: The Harvey Korman estate has indicated that they would prefer if Mr. Korman’s name “would not be connected to Mr. Kaarsvlam in any way.”)

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Next-Best Practices: Because Sometimes Close enough Is, Well, Close Enough. Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

This dynamic tome speaks to the experience of millions of teachers, who recognize that second-best practices may serve their students better than elitist “best” practices. As Karsvlaam says in chapter 3: “Hey, differentiation means meeting the students where they are, right? Well some of my students are not ready for the best practices. Using best practices would be a disservice.” Buy one for yourself and one for your overachieving neighbor.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Pedagogy or Pedagogy: You Can’t Teach What You Can’t Pronounce. Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

This superlative guide finally settles once and for all how to pronounce difficult educational terms including: educative, Paulo Freire, objective, sped, stem, steam, Jungian, archetypal, agricultural, and Beyoncé. Critics have raved about Kaarsvlam’s remarkable new phonetic system. Buy three and charge them to your principal’s credit card.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Coaching: Is There a Difference? Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

This amazing coaching manual examines coaching techniques from sports as varied as curling, caber tossing, ferret-legging, and figure skating, and answers the age old question: What is the difference between coaching? You really need this book, especially if you don’t coach.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Curriculum Mapping and Inside-Out Upside-Down Design: Even Better Than Backwards Design. Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

This new edition is filled with amazingly detailed charts that explain exactly how to take your planning and turn it inside-out and upside-down. Then it recommends that you take a really long nap. That is bound to help. Buy one for everyone you know.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Stem, Steam, and Steamboats: Educational Acronyms for Infinity and Beyond. Murfreesboro, Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

This time-saving hardcover gives you important and useful acronyms to redefine your school’s curriculum. Consider these beauties: STEAMBOAT—Science, Technology, Engineering, Art, Mathematics, Bible, Ornithology, Aerodynamics, and Thai food; WEASELS—Writing, Engineering, Art, Science, Economics, Languages, and Scriptures; STAMOS—Science, Technology, Art, Math, Ornithology, Situation Comedies; CLOWNCAR—Cosmetics, Lunacy, Orthography, Wig-making, Nonsense, Communications, Art, Reading; and many, many more. This book comes with a code so that you can access the online acronym generator. You probably cannot live without at least five copies of this one. [This is only part of the article. Want to read more? Subscribe to the website by choosing "Register" from the menu above. It's free!]

CEJ Columnist Jan Kaarsvlam is almost finished with his self-imposed sabbatical and is happy to announce that it was very productive. He authored thirty-seven books in a single semester, many of them worth reading. Now that his adventure in publishing is done, he is excited to return to the classroom and happy to offer his services to whichever Christian school needs a highly qualified teacher. It is no exaggeration to say that he has pretty much tried to teach every grade level and every subject area, occasionally with some success.