For this column, we are going to take a break from the Bedlam gang and hear some books that columnist Jan Kaarsvlam is writing and is sure will influence your teaching. He would like to recommend that you buy and read copies of these books as soon as possible, as he isn’t sure he will have enough room in his closet to store them all.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Common Core, Cumin Core, Korman Core: Spicing Up Your Standards with Humor. Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

This groundbreaking volume takes the common core to a whole new level—two whole new levels in fact. Kaarsvlam uses Christian principles to weave together educational theory, Mexican fusion cooking, and the comedy stylings of Harvey Korman. No classroom should be without it. (Note: The Harvey Korman estate has indicated that they would prefer if Mr. Korman’s name “would not be connected to Mr. Kaarsvlam in any way.”)

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Next-Best Practices: Because Sometimes Close enough Is, Well, Close Enough. Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

This dynamic tome speaks to the experience of millions of teachers, who recognize that second-best practices may serve their students better than elitist “best” practices. As Karsvlaam says in chapter 3: “Hey, differentiation means meeting the students where they are, right? Well some of my students are not ready for the best practices. Using best practices would be a disservice.” Buy one for yourself and one for your overachieving neighbor.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Pedagogy or Pedagogy: You Can’t Teach What You Can’t Pronounce. Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

This superlative guide finally settles once and for all how to pronounce difficult educational terms including: educative, Paulo Freire, objective, sped, stem, steam, Jungian, archetypal, agricultural, and Beyoncé. Critics have raved about Kaarsvlam’s remarkable new phonetic system. Buy three and charge them to your principal’s credit card.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Coaching: Is There a Difference? Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

This amazing coaching manual examines coaching techniques from sports as varied as curling, caber tossing, ferret-legging, and figure skating, and answers the age old question: What is the difference between coaching? You really need this book, especially if you don’t coach.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Curriculum Mapping and Inside-Out Upside-Down Design: Even Better Than Backwards Design. Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

This new edition is filled with amazingly detailed charts that explain exactly how to take your planning and turn it inside-out and upside-down. Then it recommends that you take a really long nap. That is bound to help. Buy one for everyone you know.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Stem, Steam, and Steamboats: Educational Acronyms for Infinity and Beyond. Murfreesboro, Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

This time-saving hardcover gives you important and useful acronyms to redefine your school’s curriculum. Consider these beauties: STEAMBOAT—Science, Technology, Engineering, Art, Mathematics, Bible, Ornithology, Aerodynamics, and Thai food; WEASELS—Writing, Engineering, Art, Science, Economics, Languages, and Scriptures; STAMOS—Science, Technology, Art, Math, Ornithology, Situation Comedies; CLOWNCAR—Cosmetics, Lunacy, Orthography, Wig-making, Nonsense, Communications, Art, Reading; and many, many more. This book comes with a code so that you can access the online acronym generator. You probably cannot live without at least five copies of this one.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Academic Language and Texting: b8 smfo 4 qnkwkl, btw lol gry vnrgn! Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

In this gr8 bk, Krsvlm rel8s 2 b4 txting and dscsses wrtng and rdng txts an hw txtng hrtz 1s thot processes. Brlmowtz mikymow grkpltx, btw, oops, g2g asap, brb! Makes a perfect gift.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Informational Text—So Much More Than Nonfiction. Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

In this thoughtful set of essays, Kaarsvlam makes clear the distinction between nonfiction and the more trendy informational texts of today. In the case of nonfiction, a book or article is largely factual and based on an authentic account of actual events as they happened. In contrast, informational text is a book or article that is largely factual and based on an authentic account of actual events as they happened—but in a much more current, contemporary, and funky way. Yup. I think you should buy one of these, too.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Christian Perspectives on Teaching Christianly: It Takes the Village People to Raise a Child. Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

Jan Kaarsvlam has been teaching for pretty much all of his career, and he knows about teaching from a Christian perspective. In this effervescent volume, Kaarsvlam explains that teaching from a Christian perspective is not just a matter of praying at the beginning of the day or saying “just” a lot, but rather teaching Christianly means accepting people from every profession—from police officer to construction worker, from leather aficionados to professional curling team members—and seeing them as part of God’s creation. He also suggests that a good acronym for remembering the basic tenets of our faith is “YMCA,” where Y stands for yes-saying to God’s call, M stands for majesticness, C stands for community or creation or compassion, or maybe confession, and A stands for art or, um, attitude—no wait, how about acceptance. No school’s professional library should be without several copies of this book.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. The Theology of Aquaman. Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

This trendy paperback follows hot on the heels of books like The Theology of the Simpsons and The Many Lives of Batman, and the Moral Philosophy of Superman. As Kaarsvlam points out though, by the time he got there, all the good ones were taken. This book looks carefully at the theology of the DC Comics superhero who is the master of the seas. Kaarsvlam asks difficult questions like, “Does Aquaman’s ability to communicate with fish give him special insight into the mind of the Creator, or do fish really not have much to say?” and, “What does Aquaman have to tell us about stewardship and earth-keeping?” This book is a must-have.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Rubrics Cubed: Solving the Brightly-Colored Puzzle of Assessment: A Multicultural Approach. Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

If this tidy volume isn’t the last word on rubrics, it should be. Kaarsvlam challenges teachers to bring rubrics out of the classroom and into their daily lives by using them to judge everything from grocery stores to dentists. He also considers how different cultures might incorporate rubrics into things like worship planning, for example. You won’t want to miss this moving addition to the inspirational teaching genre.

Kaarsvlam, Jan. Reducing the Grading Load: How to Get the Most out of Your Student Teacher. Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

In this whimsical folio, Kaarsvlam offers a simple solution to the problem of grading—get a student teacher and have him or her do your grading. (He also suggests that when you get really behind on grading papers, throwing large stacks of them into the trash is an effective solution.)

Kaarsvlam, Jan. The End of the Book: Why People Should Stop Reading and Learn to Absorb Knowledge through Osmosis. Murfreesboro: Steve’s Vanity Press, forthcoming 2015.

In retrospect, Kaarsvlam thinks maybe he shouldn’t have written this one.

CEJ Columnist Jan Kaarsvlam is almost finished with his self-imposed sabbatical and is happy to announce that it was very productive. He authored thirty-seven books in a single semester, many of them worth reading. Now that his adventure in publishing is done, he is excited to return to the classroom and happy to offer his services to whichever Christian school needs a highly qualified teacher. It is no exaggeration to say that he has pretty much tried to teach every grade level and every subject area, occasionally with some success.