“They have healed the brokenness of my people superficially, saying, ‘Peace, peace,’ but there is no peace.” Jeremiah 6:14
Have you ever avoided a person because of an uncomfortable conversation that you knew you needed to have? Have you ever told someone that things are OK when in fact they aren’t? Have you ever overreacted to a question that someone has asked? Have you ever had a hard time getting up in the morning due to a conflict that is unresolved?
In the realm of schools, churches, institutions, and workplaces, building relationships is a necessary and sometimes difficult thing to do. Building authentic relationships is often hard work. Our Christian institutions cite community building as a goal. We want them to be places where we are honored and respected and feel part of something bigger than ourselves, but sometimes we don’t feel that community is authentic. What I am proposing in this article is that true community cannot be attained without a climate of honesty, transparency, confidentiality, and a willingness to deal with conflict.
- “Sloppy grace replaces the grace of the Bible with mercy, letting people off the hook for their sins…Failure to confront, to speak the truth in love, can ultimately be as fatal to the growth of community as judgmentalism.” Bruce Hekman
One of things that I have noticed over my almost forty years working in Christian communities is the lack of training offered about how to have crucial conversations with one another. I’ve also often seen reluctance to deal with hard things. Some would have us believe that conflict is a symptom of broken community or that conflict is the enemy and must be avoided at all costs. I would propose that conflict is an opportunity; in fact, how we deal with conflict ought to be reclaimed as a pathway into deeper community and truth. Dealing with conflict or having the difficult conversation would be a way to say that you care enough to ask the hard questions and deal with the underlying brokenness or pain.
If conflict or difficulty underlies your school or workplace relationships, there are generally four unhelpful or broken ways that it will present itself: avoidance, withdrawal, attacking others or attacking oneself (Nathanson, 1992). Working alone, staying away from the staff room, reacting irritably toward others, oversleeping, overeating, self-medicating—these are all signs that something is not right with someone’s relationships in the workplace.
So what do you do as a teacher, leader, board member, or parent?
“Do everything in love.” I Corinthians 16:14
One of the clarifying questions that each of us needs to ask is whether it is our role to ask questions or deal with the problem. If we are a teacher and we see a student struggling, we may come alongside and ask if everything is all right. It would be ideal if the trust was already there between the teacher and the student. You may go to a confidante (e.g., a guidance counselor) if you feel that the student needs some intervention. Your judgment concerning the severity of the situation is paramount with respect to how you frame the conversation. This approach seems to be well accepted among teachers and leaders.
But what ought to be the way forward when the issues or the crucial conversations are between adults? What things does one have to keep in mind when framing such a conversation?
Speaking the truth in love means attending to at least four things:
- Information
- Confidentiality and privacy
- Spirit of concern
- Fair consequences and accountability
First and foremost, we need to explore the situation and find out as much information as possible. Do we understand the point of view of the person(s)? Have we heard the full story? Can we suspend what we have heard or seen to seek out more understanding? Can we avoid jumping to conclusions and be humble enough to change our perspective? As any police officer will tell you, witnesses do not all see the same thing. Our experience is our truth, but it may not be the full truth. The best way forward is to ask questions. What happened? What did you think? What have you thought about since? What do you think needs to happen to make things right? What are you willing to do to make things right? *(restorative questions—see IIRP)
Secondly, we can build trust by ensuring that the difficult situations we are working on are done with as much respect, confidentiality, and privacy as possible. It is one of the hardest things to have everyone know when you are being held accountable. It could be shameful, and we want to avoid having people feel shame when it is not necessary. Who would want their deficits, mistakes, and problems made public? This isn’t to say that we can’t deal with our own foibles, but we must let others own their issues and go public only if they wish to. Again, in our communities, there seems to be some assumption that all our mistakes, faults, and vulnerabilities ought to be held up for all to see. That is just not so. Over-sharing, gossip and slander are often by-products of our desire for “truth” or “community.”
Next, we need to cultivate a spirit of love, concern, and trustworthiness for the person with whom we are speaking. Humility and compassion ought to frame any conversation that we have with others when holding them accountable or naming something difficult. Believing that the person can change or encouraging a growth mindset enables the person to learn from his or her mistakes rather than be judged and condemned for them. One of my favorite preambles is, “Help me understand what happened or what you were thinking . . .”
- “In fact, this is the first principle of dialogue—Start with Heart. That is, your own heart. If you can’t get yourself right, you’ll have a hard time getting dialogue right.” Crucial Conversations
My work with employees (teachers) does not preclude my belief that employees can be wrong or can need coaching. Each of us needs accountability structures, whether that be through policies, procedures, growth plans, or even discipline plans. We need fair consequences when we don’t live up to the expectations of those around us, and we need crucial conversations with those we trust to give feedback that enables us to grow. A person can do damage by being authoritarian and unkind in their feedback, but someone who is too permissive or too quick to offer undeserved praise is also unhelpful. In the one case, the person has been treated too harshly and feels inadequate; in the other case, the person is treated with kid gloves as if they are breakable and immature. We need wisdom, care, and truth if we are to grow and thrive.
- “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” James 1: 19–20
As educators, we all know school culture is extremely important for learning; it also affects how successfully we perform in the work environment and classroom. One of the things that I have wondered about is how to get the school culture right for our staff, administration, and boards. If we want thriving, flourishing Christian schools, we need to address how we will confront issues among ourselves. Having open, honest, and respectful conversations seems to me to be integral to a thriving and flourishing school culture. Fairness issues, justice pieces, concerns, hurts, indignities, difficulties, and conflict are parts of every community—even Christian ones. To ignore or dismiss any of these normal parts of living together will eventually break community rather than build it up. I know that it takes courage, that it is risky, that it is hard, but learning together how to speak the truth in love is the mark of an authentic community. Our schools strive to be living communities reflecting Christ. Learning how to speak up, speak out, and speak for truth seems to me to be essential. As a Christian school movement, we are on a journey of transformation, one that brings Christ into all our relationships, our learning, and service to our wider community. I wonder if “speaking the truth in love” in workplaces and our Christian schools might also be a definitive contribution to the goal of culture-making in which we seek the common good.
Works Cited
Hekman, Bruce. “Schools as Communities of Grace.” Web. https://scssolutions.wikispaces.com/file/view/Schools_Grace.pdf.
Ortberg, John. Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them. Zondervan: 2014.
Patterson, Kerry, Joseph Grenny. Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. McGraw-Hill: 2002, p. 33.
Diane Stronks is currently working as the Executive Director of Edifide Christian Educators Association. Since coming to Edifide, she has become a facilitator in Restorative Practice as well as working towards a diploma in Mediation for the ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution) Commission of Ontario.
